My childhood was spent in solitude, where the only place anything could happen that I wanted, was in my imagination. Unknowingly at the time, I would be glimpsing a hint of what many years later I understood as, my big moment of emancipation. I learned what happened in my mind would lead me to freedom or imprisonment. Unfortunately, for a while, I chose the latter.
Occasionally I experienced uncontrollable crying episodes without being able to understand their origin. I remember my father’s anger one day when he realized his own powerlessness to get me out of that state. I was in the kitchen, trying to avoid anyone seeing me crying, when he suddenly appeared, somewhat desperate, moving his arms saying, “why are you crying!” This of course, made my tears increase even more. It was impossible to avoid. I had created in my mind the place that would become my fortress of protection against the world. Each day I was building more walls around me, and with every pain experienced, I raised more layers of bricks, protected with heavy iron doors and new locks. That strength, however, was not designed to protect me from my own thoughts. I grew up with a sour taste in my life. I become part of the system and followed the “magic” formula that society indicates to achieve happiness. I did it all; but I was not happy. If the happiness I was looking for was not possible to find in places that I had previously searched, it must be because I was not there. I realized I would never find it in the material world, in a high salary of a large corporation, in public recognition or in a relationship. Anything that was outside could not provide the joy that I was asking for.
When I gave up the pursuit of happiness in places where I could not find it, I was certain that my release would come from within, not from outside. I was ready for a change. A Course In Miracles appeared in my life with a message of liberation. For the very first time in my life I understood that God’s will for me was total happiness, and the way to find it was through forgiveness. It wasn’t another one. I needed an interior cleansing, I had to remove the dust and cobwebs from my mind and begin to forgive myself. Once the feelings of guilt and fear began to fade, a fervent wish appeared instead: “all I want is peace of mind.” With this statement It was clear for me that suffering never was going to lead me that way. Suffering wasn’t natural so I stopped giving it value, love and forgiveness took its place immediately.
Love filled my life with light that blew down the walls I had built. Finally, I was free!
I was full of love, but not towards something particular like my children or my family. It was much more encompassing. It was not anything specific, but it was everything. I felt love for all creation throughout the universe, and I had the certainty of God’s love within myself, followed by an infinite knowledge that there is nothing to fear. All this happened in my mind. The judgments and resentments kept me prisoner in my mind, but forgiveness collapsed the walls of my prison, reducing them to ashes and filling everything with an infinite light.
Now I have peace. The past has stopped hurting me because I have already forgiven myself along with it.